Once in a while I get to do drastic things, recall deleting numbers, so I act on impulse emotions and all. Music is playing…..am in my room….what’s on, Plumb-Cut. I am reading through my journals, an auto book etc I have archives of the past, remnants of all these years gone by, kept, in the form of notes, pictures, letters, journals etc When I look at them I feel like I have lived more than one lifetime. Should I complain about this, no, with all these, I think I have learned a thing here and there and for some reason it’s contributed to my personal growth. I am not going through these things to help me remember or learn, do not get it twisted, I think it’s time I let go of a few of them. I am not good with goodbyes though, I don’t like them, they are too final. I flip through the pages of this journal and I find it all overwhelming. I noted everything down, when I was sad, happy, bitter…. people did love that side of me, I hear, I like this other one better. So why am I letting it go, I think it makes me feel too…not me. Should I keep it as a reminder?
I hate goodbyes. I hate the finality they present, I hate that they are unforeseen, or unless it’s in relationships they are but we choose to be in denial. When the phone call change to texts then to occasional texts but we still refuse to accept, so see I hate goodbyes. My niece….when she moved out to finally go stay with the parents, I cried. I think she grew up but I never wanted her too. She was an infant here, those milestones she covered, first steps, I was there though them, every cry, every diaper change. I loved walking her to school, I loved carrying her even and at times when she said goodbye in the morning she would cry and the whole day I would think what was going on through her mind as she waved crying and I left, so in the evening, I would be carrying a gift for appeasing her then go pick her up, and such moments, I wouldn’t replace with anything. Nursery rhymes every night, in her last year in nursery she was reading my novels when I was reading and giving them dog ears in the name on marking her progress. When she left, I knew I would never have that. So I cried. When I lost my pal recently, lost her too young, I lived for days thinking about what I never did for her, hang out moments she asked me for and I never followed through, I went into my denial mode. When the funeral period was on I never looked in the coffin. I knew the moment I did, it means I accept that she is gone. It took me forever and the day before we said our final goodbye, another friend made me do it, and that’s the moment it hit me that she is gone. My grieving might have taken longer, who knows, so at times I mumble utter sorries for never making it up to her.
#np Within Temptations-All I Need
This journal depicts an entire relationship in my life that ended a bit too badly. When it did everyone had a few cents of how I should let go, followed some, ignored much, but now am here, and these are my terms now. I never say goodbyes, we would be standing on the streets and with a slight brush on your shoulder I would walk away. No hugs, especially the awkward ones, plus I have noticed most of my friends, with 2 notorious ones topping the list, are really bad huggers. Feels like a tree stump. When I disagree with someone, I would be the one fighting to the end, until of course I finally come to my senses, then say something like it is what it is, I value friendship too much.
So after 5 years, I will walk out of school, which has become my routine, my 2nd home, I might sob, who knows. I made good friends…and enemies (without them knowing). I might lose track here, I should be noting down points more so often. In this journal, I see relationships I forged; I see how on some days I succeeded, on some I failed. I see how I talked to people, and how what someone said to me I took too personally at times. In this very journal I did admit when am wrong and when am not. I see the times which I got to be stubborn for pride matters, for change, like at this very moment, happenings in my life…..relationships are tearing apart because am fighting for what I believe in, it came with names, but at least I know what everyone thinks about me and my ideologies. I see times I did stand strong when I am right, or again when I did fight for what I believe in….take notes. I see occasions when I did let go of control, after too much coaxing, and just jumped! It was scary, but I did it and I am proud to announce that in one of those occasions I was actually sober.
In it I noted every occasion when I met amazing people, incredible friends, and when I became a friend too. This feels like a bad break up, to let all this go, to let all these words go because I can’t define exact moments with anything else. I said what I felt, when I felt it, with exact words I did feel. Should I text, like a crazy ex girlfriend that I have ever never been?
“I think this was a mistake
I think we should go back and forget it happened
Do you miss me?
Will you forget me?
I think you were the one”
Oh we have all had those moments, so today I teach myself to say a proper IRISH GOODBYE *takes a matchbox and walks out with journal in hand*