I owe this guy, a very good friend of mine some money…it is not like a few coins squid somewhere away. Oh do not worry, it’s not a lot of figures either but I have money issues. So I owe this friend some money and it is breaking my heart. Though I have realized a lot of things my friends have been doing that of late…the breaking my heart thing.
“Kadike……Ka Ka Kadike
They go make my heart go”
In fact I think me and my bestie are breaking up….I do not know if it qualifies as a break up, it’s just one of these things where you go apart except it is breaking my heart and hell it f@#king feels like a breakup! It is not because of a boy, she didn’t sleep with my boyfriend…nor I hers, hehe. She did not say something about me behind my back either. She does not owe me money that she is not paying back. No, it is not a cliché reason as to why these things happen. The only cliché well is that it’s not her…it’s me *tears rolling down the cheeks* it’s just me…haha. Okay now on a serious note, it is me. I do love her to those little bits but…..I woke up one morning and I realized she knew every little thing about me, my secrets and my deepest fears, enough to come up with a very good novel or think Miguna Miguna to break my heart more and I knew nothing about her. I am not saying nothing in the sense that I do not even know her name, but she….she just….okay confessions over.
Someone says people who live in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones, or at least walk naked in them. Fine, I am aloof and to some people it takes them reading my blog to know my thoughts so to what right do I have walking away because someone played this card? The difference is as a Libra, actions call for reactions, being a friend calls for being friendly and when you open up to someone it calls for them opening up damnit!!!! Your mother warned you about those boys but did she say there are those girls too…those friends too? Ummmmph
I was talking about me and my money issues right. I have a problem accepting money from people. When my friend calls me in town for lunch I will carry extra money for myself, at times even hers. If am with a boy and he pays for something, I will avenge by paying for something else. It might not be big or it might be but I will, I do not care if I will use my fare but I will prove that I can take care of myself so that when he says women are gold diggers, he will make me an exception. The funny story is its only money in form of paper. I mean if I could get presents everyday, I would not complain, I would glee and accept. Though if someone made it a point of giving me the same value of money every day I will say no, could be because when a man gives you money he expects return in his investment. That’s what has been engraved in my mind. Do I need to kick back on some couch in some office and talk to some therapist about this….
“So if he gives you money what does it make you feel like?”
I will reply, “I do not know, it makes me feel cheap, no not cheap doctor…I just do not want to use him if in turn I will not be able to compensate for this money….I do not know, what do you think?”
Then she says “It is not what I think…you know the answer…think back to the past, could it be your dad? Did he make you feel like you had to earn this money?”
Wait what am I even saying? I think I just offended a whole career choice for a few people I know. I am good with talking, I ever thought I would be therapist…..registered and certified by the board but the best I did was be one for my circle of friends. So people ease up, I was not being mean to any of them, I just love how they always think everything is because of trauma. The only trauma they should be focused on right now is…ah wait, I have hated on them too much so I will stop….today you get a pass all of you bad boys and gays, my hate speech is on holiday.
So back to my friend, what to do what to do? Do I hire some thugs to help me break a few knee caps to return this money? It’s on my mind everyday ad he is around me every day you know! Does he look at me and wonder what I am thinking about his money? He is going to have a laugh after reading this though. He is going to find it funny that I mentioned it, because he will read it. He makes it a point of always telling me money is never that big to him, but it is to me so I do not know. I will not write a clean slate about it, in fact the part he will laugh about too much is the amount I owe him. He always says that when he does anything money related to him its cause he wants to do it, not because I should owe him. So with all these I realized I am going to have problems in future, with the husband. He will probably think I am proud, and men have this sense of taking care of the family. I will probably always just want to establish that I am not a leech. That I can earn a few pennies and I can help him financially. Especially in events where my mind is set on something, like a big wedding…what is the big deal with us cost sharing on that? We will argue about it a lot of times because he will feel emasculated….but what about me, I will also be feeling “efeminsticated” loooool is that’s a word.
Let us make it clear, this is not an invitation to all the lazy boys who want an easy life by dating self made women, do not even bother. The men who are being referred to is all those with a vision, who want to raise a family and take responsibility for them…yeah, I see you all! So that is the guy I am talking about. I thought about all this, and then I realized I do not want to fight because of money; I do not want to break up because of money…..I therefore am taking steps to help myself. On that note, who knows a good therapist, who wears oxfords, a yellow nerd sweater and those geeky glasses and is not as like Hannibal…a smooth talker…..am not asking for a friend, let them ask their own questions! I am asking for me and my money problems!