At The End Of The Road….

So I have a list of apologies….I was taking a casual approach to blogging and I have realized some comments I have never replied….rerimoi and notsoanon, this apology has you in mind. It took one of those nights, and days, when am bored or deep in thought I read, and when I exhausted everything I went to read my work. I started writing because I have much to say. Because to me, words make sense and when am having a bad day or a good one…a few words, especially accompanied with some instruments they will make sense to me. So why not read my blog because it will remind me of who I used to be. At that very moment I felt what I wrote, I strongly believed in. So in my venture of  getting to read, I came across a few articles with comments I never replied to…if you get a notification, bear with me because it is a few months late.

I am going to talk about the one thing that scares me to death…I am going to talk about death, haha did you see what I just did there? It is common knowledge that we should avoid religion and politics in social occasions. Do not worry, I won’t hopefully touch on peoples religion as such. I heard an interesting sermon last week from my priest last Sunday in church! So he goes like once upon a time someone once made them….oh wait this story started like this. Do you know why Nobel decided to donate his wealth to that foundation of his? Well apparently his brother died and someone at the news groups thought it was him and ran an obituary about him. When he read the whole thing it saddened him what legacy he left behind, yes he lived a comfortable life but that was just it, nothing to it, at the end of the day he made changes. My priest says that during his study things, the whole road to priest hood, they were asked to each write their obituaries that would run on the papers if on that day they did pass away.

So like I said, death scares me, jeez when I put it on my mind I just end up getting depressed for days. Which is wrong, I mean I am Catholic and my faith dictates that salvation for us is getting to see God, not the whole bible thumping business that goes on in crusades with people falling down and coming back born again. We get baptized but getting saved is seeing Him which is the fulfillment of the human soul and the soul never rests till this happens. The other irony is that I am not really scared of the after death as much as I am scared about that moment…When my life flashes will I be proud of it? The way I lived my life? Will it match up to the way I wanted it to be? These questions…the irony is I pretty much live like it is my last. I go to bed and pray because if I do not wake up tomorrow, I want to be in good terms with my maker, another wrong approach because as per my religion you are supposed to do these things because you love God not because you are scared of him.

So when my priest said this whole obituary story, I knew I was not going to do it! The fact that the only priest I indulge in these talks is far away was even an added motivation as that is a rut I cannot get out of soon. That does not mean I did not think about it, I actually did. Funny story, I tell my mum a lot that I cannot handle a loss! So once in a while I try to think about losing someone and what Eulogy I will give, I know what I will say about my dad. I will say he taught me principles, some that even I get surprised when I think of. He told me when I am wrong I should simply say sorry, and not try explaining myself too much. I should not say sorry just to end a fight but I should really make sure that I was not on the wrong…this talk happened during an indefinite suspension also known as an expulsion waiting to happen. I apologized and got back to school. That is the highlight of lessons I have learnt from my dad, I will do an article on that quite soon.

Back to this death story, so I am thinking about writing it, but I will write it in a confession box and when I fall in too deep he will be able to get me back, like hypnotism or that Leonardo DiCaprio movie of dreams in dreams and someone has to reach out for you before you get in too deep…ummmh Inception. Though I think about it, in a few years will love still be the thing I hold high on a pedestal. In life, we have developed the propensity of holding on to things that are wrong for us. Love is not wrong for me; I will get to this in a bit. The thing is there are those things you are so certain about that if you dare think otherwise then it weakens the rest of the things you have always believed in. So this leads me to ask, what makes you happy in life? Well I hear happiness is not a state that can be traveled to or owned but it living your life in gratitude. So is it the amount of money you make that makes you happy? The influence you have on events, happenings, power? The number of people you know? Is it how you look or how much likes your photo gets on Facebook or how much KOT conversations you contribute to? Is it the number of events happening that you attend or the latest fad? For me the answer to that question will be love; it can be love for a boy a girl, a child a parent, a place but love is always the key. So when my life flashes before my eyes, I hope I will have lived to fullness. I would have accepted the good, the bad and the absolutely heartbreaking with the pain reminding me of better things to happen. That is the only certainty I cannot let go.

When I finally get down to writing it in time, I hope my achievements will reflect the values and principles I believe in. I will hope that standing for my ideals of course did make enemies, not to a bad extent, but I hope it did define me. I hope the one ideal that I believe in a good marriage won’t be shaken with time, and love in a marriage as well. For the enemies I would not take it seriously because when you fight for a certain ideal it does not mean others will agree with you, it just means you have finally found your element and that is what creates the diversity in life, which is beautiful. Chris Hart, my favourite relationship columnist says, your values are the core of who you are and if you work towards achieving the highest values then you leave a mark and can never be forgotten. Your turn, can you do the exercise, the whole obituary writing? It is a life changing experience.

P.S. I have finally gotten a copy of Overexposed! A review to be done soon.

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