Men and Women

I am going to do something different today, maybe post the longest post ever but that aside I am going to post two articles as one by two different writers.

It all starts with a bored afternoon in the office, my guest writer is at this office as well. He doesn’t believe in reading too much but he loves writing. It does not make sense to me, to read you have to write, that has always been my logic! So just to prove me wrong…or show off…asks me to give him something to write about. Told him women…he he of course I was not giving him women, but I wanted him to write about women. 1000 words, on my desk by 8am in the morning. I feel like a boss now! ha-ha. Anyway in return I had to write about men….977words. We will call him DT, my guest writer and his piece goes first.

WOMEN by DT

He sat at his desk pondering. This must have been his greatest test yet and the manner of its delivery had him by his wits. He wondered what her intentions were, why she had approached him that afternoon and asked him of all people to come up with an article that would most likely change her notion of him. But she was his boss and her instructions were clear, she wanted his thoughts, a young man’s thoughts as she put it, on women.

He stared blankly at the walls, then at the clock towards the back of the office and finally again at the wall. His train of thoughts had vanished, leaving him with no idea of where to begin. All that he could remember was her vivid instructions that the readers of the Daily Standard had requested a piece on a bachelors thought on the women of his generation. That and the voluptuous shapeliness of her body as she walked away from his desk to her office. “Cursed readers.” he mumbled to himself. Why were they never content with the rumors of adulterous pastors and politicians? He had guessed that she wanted to get into his mind, get his thoughts and views on women and this request from the readers had presented itself as an excuse, a chance perhaps. They had been dating unofficially for a while now and he reckoned that this must have been part of his evaluation as a suitor. He chuckled.

The water dispenser that stood in the middle of the office buzzed to his utmost irritation. He had always wanted to work in his own office but a recent demotion meant he had a cubicle all to himself. His troubled mind revolved around the fact that it was the woman that he was dating that he would be in some instances referring to, that compounded by the fact that he knew absolutely nothing about women. As he fumbled around trying to figure out what he knew about women, his thoughts took him to the instances in his life where he had tried to understand women.

**********

He had been walking with his brother down the busy highway and the conversation had just sparked out of nowhere. “Getting to know women, for dummies.” his older brother had comically put it before going on to explain to him how society required him to treat women. The only woman he had known to this point was his mother, a strong and caring woman whom he had always depended on. But his intrigues had led him to seek the wisdom of others on the matter. Girls puzzled him. One in particular he loved and loathed them at the same time, a phenomenon not particularly familiar to him. His desire to hold her hand and at the same time make fun of her in front of his friends bore conflict inside him. He had always considered girls to be weak yet his mother had always been strong during the tough times, especially when his Grandfather had passed away. To him, she had always been a pillar of hope and comfort though she had never shied off of being stern with him whenever he got mischievous. But nothing his brother had told him seemed to make sense. From it all, he had only gotten that women needed protection and a sense of security and that it was his part to ensure that was provided.

Forward on to his high school years and his approach of women had changed. He blamed puberty. Girls were all he could think of, only this time he was more intrigued by their soft skin and rounded bosoms. It didn’t help that he was in an all boys’ boarding school and that all the other boys seemed to think of was girls. He had noticed however that the feeling was mutual. Girls seemed to only talk about boys and on their part went out of their way to try and impress them. Skimpily dressed girls with make up on, that was his world though none of them ever seemed to notice him. He hated them for that. He had at some point sworn to live a life of celibacy, even convincing himself that girls were merely a distraction.

The only moment he had indeed loved a woman was while at campus. She had, like many other girls, initially shot down his approaches but fortune favored him this time round. Samantha she was called but he liked calling her Sam, something that for a time caused his friends to suspect that he was gay. But none of that mattered, he had reached enlightenment. He was now aware that he only needed to make her happy and all she would give him in return was pure unparalleled bliss. Some of their arguments and their eventual breakup were however due to a bit of paranoia on his part. With time he had come to surmise that she only loved him for his money and his ability to provide her with material things. He argued that over the course of their relationship, she had never bought him any gift prompting him to feel like he was in a one way relationship. Ultimately, he had come to the realization that he could never understand women.

**********

His thoughts were interrupted by the sound of heavy footsteps. He had not noticed that three whole hour had passed by. Next to him she stood, asking whether her piece was ready. He had only typed in a few sentences that did not really bear sense. “I take a maximum of two hours to write.” She said and walked away with flair, as if to taunt him. Maybe she had missed him and the visit to his desk was her way of being close to him, just maybe he thought. Soon his cellphone vibrated. He picked it up and on it was a message from her reading “Happy April fool’s day dear. Disregard that piece.”

MEN by me

“A man is not the person wearing pants, but it’s the guy who knows what it means to wear the pants”

This is one of the famous lines that have stuck in my head for a while, was a comment by an ardent reader to my favorite blogger, one Biko Zulu. I find it too deep but at the same time being too hilarious.

Am my daddy’s girl. What this means is if you break my heart I’ll go tell my dad and well the next day…. well you won’t see the next day, ha-ha. I have a brother I love to bits.  He is so tall and quite the guy…that boy will break hearts, I hope those girls daddies can come through for them like my daddy. I have 3 guys guy who I rate as their best friend! All that these mean is I do get to be in the inner circle of the men world a couple of times, if they don’t view me suspiciously. It means that I have a pretty good read on men as well, though I get oblivious on which one is about to hit on me and which isn’t. It does not mean that I understand men better than all the ladies in town though, it just means that I can see bull crap from a far and avert it so fast.

Fact to me is, if a man asks what it means to be a man, then he should top reading this at this point, clearly he has bigger issues and instead of Steve we should call him Eve. A man is born he is not made, definitely not made. He definitely doesn’t have it in his head that he becomes the man by the string of women he makes to chase him, in fact he becomes the man by the fact that he can keep that one woman.

A man knows a thing or two about soccer. Not the number of points that Arsenal has to be at the top of the table, but damn it he surely knows that it is Arsenal on the top of that league table. A man defines his drink; he does not think that drinking Heineken or some wine makes you a little girlie. In fact a man drinking wine definitely earns some points in a girl’s eye. A man who can order his girl’s wine, then that is not only a man but quite a sexy man.

A man does not sit down to plan what he is going to wear for a party, but he definitely minds what he wears because he knows I will acknowledge. It better not be a purple or pink skinny, leave that to the boys and buy them a poodle as a bonus. A man does not use words like “woishe” in a text and he definitely does not use too many smileys, unless it’ necessary. That statement has been a subject of debate with the conclusion that am not a happy child…no, use a smiley only when necessary, otherwise you lose your street cred!  Debate over.

A man does not hit a woman. If she crosses a boundary, then he marks the territory that he wears the pants in the house. A man sleeps around, it’s allowed, but a man finally finds a woman he can keep, and he keeps her. He marries her; a man definitely builds a family. That is why in Nairobi we have a lot of boys. A man cries, in front of his woman because he can be susceptible in front of her. He does not cry in front of his daughter, because to every girl, the dad is the strongest pillar.

A man picks the tab. If the lady reaches for it though, he lets her, but hopefully he is older than her, if not, we will just assume it is another Wambui-Mbugua case. It gets worse if she pays her rent. A man accepts that every woman loves money, it is the degree that differs. He therefore buys her something for valentine, or her birthday and takes her out without calling her a gold digger because it makes her feel appreciated.

A man cares about his mother, and when an argument pits his mother against his wife, he treads carefully like I am treading carefully now because I don’t know what he should do. If the woman is on the right then defend her honor! If your mum is right…..call her on it, tell her to act up, I meant the woman…hehehe.

A man apologizes when he is wrong, he doesn’t dismiss a fight saying women bicker! When he is right, then just says sorry to end the argument. Yes ladies and gentlemen, there is a difference between an apology and the word sorry, one costs more…haha.

A man doesn’t think Celine Dione’s music is too mellow, that’s having too many sensibilities. He appreciates that she can sing. If he wants to sing along though, he does it in the confines of his room where no one can catch him in the act. Speaking of acts, a man loves sex, it’s natural. He does not however ask a lady how he is…he sees it on her face, that’s a man!

A man definitely does not upload too many photos on Facebook or check in at every location that sounds famous. That you leave to the girls in campus with too much esteem issues. A man NEVER watches a Mexican soap! A man reads, because he knows it impresses women more than how much liquor he can take and how hard he can party at westlands on a Friday!

I could go on all night, but quoting Biko

 “There are some guys who work hard at being men; there are some who are just men”.

Therefore, a man doesn’t read this article to help him become a man, he reads it because I took my time to write it.

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