DT TAKE 2 ON WOMEN

I once attended a party where the host, toasting to his wife, said he always held her hand whenever they go out. Sweet, right? I thought so too until he went on to add that he does so because if he were to let go, she would go shopping. Safe to say he must have slept on the couch that night. Society has imprinted in our minds that shopping is to a woman what grass is to cattle. For which woman does not like to shop? Perhaps it’s because women are really never satisfied with what they have. They always strive to better themselves which can be a good thing or a bad thing depending on which angle you look at it. Show me a satisfied woman and I’ll give you the secret to world peace. Ok, I just made that up but who is to say the two things are not connected? What if really Hitler tried to conquer the world just to impress some skirt or what if the Bloods and the Crips rivalry begun just cause of two guys fighting for a woman’s affection?

It takes….well, God-like powers if you ask me, to completely and I mean completely satisfy a woman. But the thing you should know about men and women as one George Carlin so graciously put it is that women are strangely crazy, men are stupid and the main reason behind women’s craziness is that men are stupid. So it’s quite obvious men and gods are two different beings….despite all the image and likeness talks. In our defense, speaking now as a man, how do you benefit someone who is never wrong? Because apparently it is proven that women are always right, even when you’re sure they are wrong. So the only way we as men can satisfy a woman’s ego is to always let them be right…and they say that a man is the head of a house. Horse crap if you would ask me. It’s true that behind every great man is a strong woman. What they fail to tell you is that the woman is behind the guy pulling his puppet strings…come on somebody.

My dad and uncles…ok, generally all men older than the moon, like to brag about how women their time were submissive and were there to be seen and not heard. I sometimes dream about this mythical land where women prefer to be seen rather than air their views and my conclusion is that such a place would not be for me. Say what you will but I like me a strong, confident woman…and I say this not only on the off chance that my girlfriend will read this article but in acknowledgment of all the great women that have lived and breathed in this earth. Indeed some of my greatest heroes were women; Wangari Mathaai for instance, God bless her soul, taught me that perseverance and sticking to my beliefs would eventually pay off. Might not get me that Nobel Prize that I so richly deserve on the basis that I’ve put up with my boss all this time, but good things will follow. Good things have come but that’s a story for another day.

I diverge but back to the issue at hand. I heard someone say that married women can never be as successful as their husbands because they would have no wives to advise them. Perhaps that’s why God created Adam first. He must have foreseen that had he gone with Eve first, he would have received a lot of instructions on how to create Adam. Speaking of Eve, I blame her for my life being hard. Were it not for her, I would be in the Garden of Eden, sipping on some coconuts, walking buck naked, letting it all hung out there. We sometimes blame women for our troubles, rightfully so sometimes. Most times though, we have no one but ourselves to blame. Growing up, we all had “the talk” with our fathers or uncles or elder brothers. Most men know of what I refer to so to my female readers, let me bring you onboard. Every man feels the need to watch out for his fellow man. In this regard, years of experience have been passed down from our forefathers to the likes of us on the “troubles” women bring and I put the word in quotes because I am yet to fully establish whether they are really troubles or if they are just the sour thought of some guys that got turned down by girls they liked. I won’t go into the details of these talks, apparently they weren’t meant for your ears.

I always wondered why women are so much more interesting to men than men are to women. In my teenage years, I would walk past a girl in town and totally check her out without getting even as much as a glimpse in return. I’ve never really asked any women why that’s so mostly because I would always embarrass myself and chase any prospects before I got to that part of the conversation but that’s just me. I have come to understand though that to get a girl to notice you, you really have to stand out and catch their attention.

This brings me to the inevitable topic “Think like a man. Act like a lady”. Most men will never tell you this but the idea of women thinking like us scares the shit (Pardon my French, though you undoubtedly sometimes borrow from it) out of us. When women start to think like we do, there will be no one left to steer the world in the right direction….that and most guy’s thoughts are mainly about the things we’d to that chick wearing the short skirt. In the end, we’d like to think that our thoughts are what separate us from the women. Instead of thinking like us, let me give you a few things you might, as women, want to think of. First of all, don’t feel like it’s wrong to wear a short skirt….and no, just coz I’ve said that doesn’t mean am one of those guys who thinks about what I’d do to the girl with the short skirt. Secondly, men don’t care about your age, just that you make them happy….and the short skirt you wearJ. Last but not least, what is it with complaining about not being pretty enough? We are men; we probably wouldn’t be with you if we thought you were unattractive.

Yet for all their temerity and intrigues, we can never do without women. If I am allowed to make reference to one of the greatest molders of my life, Homer Simpsons, “A woman is like a beer. They look good, they smell good and you’d step over your own mother just to get one.” When my girlfriend smiles at me, the world slows down and all my problems melt away. My old knees buckle and I feel like a carefree child again. Thank you God for the Women in our lives.

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